"I don’t know what this is - this numb feeling of empty space inside me. There are so many things I want to do, have to do, will have to do in the long run anyway, and yet I can’t seem to start. I make no effort to start. Writing this now, even this, required a lot of effort and a lot of procrastination. I’ve been smoking a lot, thinking a lot, evaluating a lot, planning a lot, but doing nothing. Then I realize than one can’t live on cigarettes, thought, evaluations and plans. So what do I do? I continue smoking, thinking, evaluating, planning."
20 January 1969